A Poisonous Mammal

Not long ago, one of my friends approached me to report a "mole" raiding her bird seed supply in the garage, and making a cache of the booty on a nearby shelf. This certainly didn't sound like the hijinks of any Eastern Mole that I've ever met, and I figured it was probably an even more interesting and little-known mammal.

As with the Meadow Vole I recently encountered, fate was not kind to our mystery seed-raider, but did intervene to allow us another learning experience. When I was quizzing the mole-person about field marks, she let on that the beast had expired. "What! You have it?" enquired I. And she did, so I convinced her to bring in the carcass, which has languished in the freezer until today, when I brought it out for photos.

And here it is - the mole-like thief of seed. This tiny little brute is a Short-tailed Shrew, Blarina brevicauda. They are surprisingly abundant throughout Ohio and the upper midwest. And as we shall learn, they are indeed poisonous, and I'm not making that up. Ridiculously hyperactive with a metabolism that races like a meteor, I think they sometimes essentially just blow up - their heart erupts. I've found them several times dead but in perfect shape, with no obvious signs of trauma.

Aptly named, these Short-tailed Shrews. There are a number of other species in these parts, but only one, the Least Shrew, Cryptotis parva, would have such a proportionately stubby tail. Least Shrews are much smaller and browner, though.

In the photo above, I enlisted the help of several other strong men to move the shrew carcass into a position where it could be compared with my 1992 Ferrari F-40. Now you can clearly see not only the herculean proportions of the shrew, but also the potential danger posed by these bloodthirsty beasts.

Also, using the Italian supercar as a prop allowed me to satisfy the hundreds of readers who have written in asking if I could someday model a dead shrew with one of Enzo Ferrari's creations. I chose the F-40 in part because I own it, but also because the F-40 was launched just prior to the Old Man's death in 1988. Enzo tasked his engineers with designing the world's ultimate road-going supercar in order to stave off the boys over in Bolognese, Lamborghini, who had released the outrageous Countach in the 70's, and until the twin-turbo 478 horsepower F-40, nothing in Ferrari's stable could match the Countach's performance.

Now, most of you are saying "Like, whatever. Like, he really thinks we think he owns that car, for sure. Like, whatever, dude".

Yo, man. Told you it was mine. Eat your heart out dudes, and chicks, form a line.

Now that we've established the shrew's length at four to five inches with the aid of the only Ferrari I'll likely ever own, time to look at its pointy kisser. Shrews are very distinctive because of the shape of their nose - much different than moles, mice, or other small rodents. Their pelage, or fur, is amazingly dense and velvety - good protection against the cool damp earth that they spend much time tunneling through.

That auger-like snout coupled with strong front legs and feet permit the shrew to rapidly and effectively bore through the earth in a frenzied nonstop hunt for victims to kill and devour.

If you were an earthworm, beetle, grub, centipede, or even another small mammal such as a mouse, you wouldn't want to see this face rapidly snuffling towards you. I wasn't joking about the poisonous part. Shrews are incredibly ferocious, violent predators who may attempt to take out anything that moves, up to their size or maybe even larger. They'll eat seeds in a pinch, but are much more the bloodthirsty killers than some namby-pamby tofu-eating vegetarians. Gram for gram, this beast might be the most formidable, dangerous animal around.

The saliva of Short-tailed Shrews is laced with venom produced by small glands near the mouth. This venom allows the shrew to quickly paralyze victims and effectively immobilize prey with deep quick bites often administered to the victim's face and neck. Animals unfortunate enough to encounter a shrew are sometimes torn asunder and devoured while still alive but largely helpless due to the paralyzing effects of the venom. People who have been bitten report that the bite is quite painful, and ill effects persist for up to several days.

It truly is a good thing that nature, so far, has decreed that shrews will be small.